What could feelings of inadequacy be telling us?

A feeling I’ve noticed on the occasions I’ve been to a live event, whether it is a sports match, a play or a concert, or even when watching a talent competitions is inadequacy. A wonder of could I do that? An awareness that I’m watching and not trying. 

Which begs the question, is this sense of inadequacy ever useful?

What could inadequacy be about? 

It feels like a fine balance between inadequacy being a valuable guide, telling us to try something, or that we have more to give than we are currently giving and an inadequacy that simply says “I am not good enough because I’m not doing or can’t do x, y, or z’.

The former feels like inadequacy that comes from within, an intuition that we have more to give and harness than we currently do.

The latter feels like inadequacy that comes from the outside, that is what society says we should be and the implication, whether true or not, that we are not living up to that expectation. 

The fine line between inadequacy from inside and outside

Inadequacy is no doubt a natural part of being human. If we take a hardline evolutionary approach all feelings are in some ways tools to keep us safe, and in this way we could see inadequacy as a wanting belonging and connection. The challenge is working out if the feeling is serving our desire to connect, belong and be more of us or if it is about trying to fit in.

Where do our expectations of ourselves come from? 

Which ones are fair, useful and true? 

Are any of these fuelling that feeling of inadequacy?

What expectations may underpin feelings of inadequacy? 

What are the patterns of feeling inadequate? What is the truth, if any, behind it? That is to say, is there any inch of the feeling that is an internal sense that we have more to give?

Perhaps at times inadequacy can be an external and internally fuelled feeling. 

Take the talent show example, an external sense of inadequacy could be that because I am not taking part in these competitions I am not good enough or I don’t have any talents that are good enough. The next step is to consider how true this feels to me. Do I really want to enter these competitions? And if that doesn’t quite reconcile the feeling could there be an internal angle? For example a sense that I am playing small with my abilities and could utilise them more. 

Another example could be feeling inadequate in talking about our career with others. This could be from external factors, such as what careers people we know seem to value and deem respectable or it could be an internal acknowledgment that the job or career we have is not what we want it to be? 

Meeting feelings of inadequacy

This isn’t to wish the feeling of inadequacy on anyone, however there can be a value in feelings of discomfort when we can identify what they are about and determine if they are trying to tell us something or have been shaped by the world we live in.

In either case, how would you like to meet feelings of discomfort, in particular inadequacy? 

In Rising Strong, Brene Brown talks about Reckoning as the crucial first step to meeting challenges. By reckoning she means being curious about our feelings and experience to be able to take ownership of them and respond to them as we would like to.

What do you need to be curious about feelings of inadequacy? 

This blog has written about the fact that knowing we are good enough in each moment and wanting to be more than we are can both be true at the same time. That feels pertinent in the context of inadequacy. No doubt the best place to meet that feeling is through the lens of knowing we are good enough as we are and a sense that we also want to become more than we are. From these perspectives we can then consider whether this feeling of inadequacy pointing to becoming more than I am or telling me I should be something based on external expectations? 

What if inadequacy is always useful as it creates the awareness to relate to ourselves more compassionately

Now this is in no way an encouragement to feel inadequate nor condoning of making others feel inadequate, but what if the times we feel inadequacy are an opportunity to develop self-compassion. Times to acknowledge the feeling, to sit with it and to be open to the difficulties of the expectations we have learnt or the reality that we would like to be more than we currently are. Both these responses take self-compassion, self-acceptance and unconditional love.

So when you next feel discomfort what may it be saying? 

Is it an external expectation or an internal sense we can be more? 

What would it be to meet feelings of inadequacy with the knowledge we both want to be more than we are in this moment and that we are also enough in this moment? 

What would it be if we all met feelings of inadequacy with curiosity and compassion?